Why Is Age Two Often Called the Terrible Twos?
Around the age of two, many children discover that they are separate people with wishes of their own. At the same time, their language, patience and ability to calm themselves are still very limited. Much of the frustration comes from the gap between what a toddler wants and what they can manage, or are allowed, to do.
From an Adlerian point of view, this stage is not terrible at all. Alfred Adler saw every person, including the smallest child, as striving for belonging and significance. A two-year-old who insists on pressing the lift button is looking for a place in the family as someone capable. The aim for parents is not to break this drive but to guide it with mutual respect, which is the heart of the Adlerian approach to guidance.
What Is Happening During a Toddler Tantrum, and How Can You Respond?
A tantrum is usually a moment when a toddler's feelings become bigger than their ability to handle them. They may be tired, hungry, overwhelmed or disappointed, and they do not yet have the words to say so. In the middle of a tantrum a child cannot really listen or learn, so this is not the time for explanations.
- Stay calm and close. Your steady presence helps more than any words. If you feel your own anger rising, take a breath before you act.
- Keep everyone safe. If needed, move your child gently away from danger or from a younger sibling.
- Name the feeling in a few words: "You are so angry. You wanted the blue cup."
- Hold the limit. Comforting a child does not mean giving them what the tantrum was about.
- Skip the punishment and the lecture. When it is over, reconnect with a hug or a simple next step, and move on.
- Look for patterns afterwards. If tantrums cluster before meals, naps or transitions, the routine may need adjusting.
Why Does a Two-Year-Old Say No to Everything?
"No!" is one of the most powerful words a two-year-old has. Saying it is a way of testing their own will and finding out where they end and other people begin. It often comes out automatically, even about things the child actually wants.
In the Adlerian view, power struggles grow when adults try to win. If every "no" becomes a battle, a child learns that resisting is the way to feel strong. A more helpful response is to ask fewer yes or no questions, say calmly what is going to happen and leave room for the child to join in. For example, a parent might say, "It's time for the park. Do you want to walk or ride in the buggy?" instead of "Do you want to put your shoes on?"
Small choices give a toddler a healthy sense of control within limits you have already set:
- Offer two options you are genuinely happy with: the red cup or the green one, this book or that one.
- Keep the non-negotiables out of the choice. The car seat, holding hands near the road and bedtime itself are not up for debate.
How Do You Set Limits With a Toddler Who Has Few Words?
Two-year-olds understand far more than they can say, but long explanations still go over their heads. Limits at this age work best when they are short, clear and backed by gentle action rather than repeated warnings. This is what Adlerians mean by being firm and kind at the same time, as described in the article on setting limits without power struggles.
- Use few words: "Gentle hands," "Feet on the floor," "Food stays on the table."
- Say what your child can do, not only what they cannot: "The car is not for throwing. You can throw the ball."
- Act calmly and kindly. If a child keeps throwing food, a parent might say, "Dinner is finished," and lift them down without anger. A simple logical consequence like this is enough at this age.
- Change the environment. Moving fragile objects out of reach prevents many daily conflicts.
- Be consistent. The same limit, held in the same way, helps a toddler feel secure.
How Do Routines and Encouragement Help a Toddler Cooperate?
Toddlers feel safer when they know what comes next. A predictable rhythm for mornings, meals, naps and bedtime means fewer surprises and fewer battles, because the routine itself becomes the guide. A simple picture sequence, such as bath, pyjamas, story and bed, can help a two-year-old follow along.
Encouragement is the other half. Rudolf Dreikurs, who brought Adler's ideas to parents and teachers, often stressed that a misbehaving child is a discouraged child. Encouragement is different from praise: instead of "Good girl" or "Clever boy", it notices effort, progress and contribution, and tells a toddler that they are capable and that they belong.
- Describe what you see: "You put your shoes on all by yourself."
- Notice effort, not only success: "You kept trying with that zip."
- Give real tasks, such as carrying the napkins, putting socks in the basket or watering a plant.
- Allow extra time for "I do it myself". Doing things slowly is part of learning.
What Can You Do About Sleep and Eating Struggles at Two?
Sleep and food are two areas where parents often feel most anxious, and where power struggles start most easily. A child cannot be forced to sleep or to eat.
Many families find it helpful to divide the responsibilities. Parents decide what is offered, when and where, and the child decides whether to eat and how much of what is on the table. At bedtime, parents take care of a calm, regular routine and a quiet room, and keep their response short and low-key if the child gets up again and again. If you are worried about your child's development, speech, growth, eating or sleep, please check it with a paediatrician, who can rule out medical causes.
How Do a New Sibling, Starting Kita or a Move Abroad Affect a Two-Year-Old?
Big changes often arrive around this age: a baby brother or sister, the first weeks at Kita or daycare, a new home or even a new country. A two-year-old cannot explain how they feel, so the change tends to show in behaviour. Some children become clingier, wake more at night, return to babyish habits or have more tantrums.
In Adlerian terms, a new sibling can shake a child's sense of their place in the family. Rather than scolding a toddler for acting like a baby, parents can offer reassurance and a role: fetching a nappy, choosing a song for the baby, or a few minutes each day just with you. For families who move abroad, keeping familiar rituals, favourite toys and the home language steady can give a toddler something to hold on to while everything else changes. You can read more in the article on how relocation affects children.
When Is It Worth Seeking Parent Guidance for a Two-Year-Old?
Most of the challenges of this age are normal and ease with time. Still, many parents find it helpful to talk things through when:
- Tantrums, hitting or biting have become a daily pattern that leaves you exhausted.
- You find yourself shouting, threatening or giving in more than you would like.
- You and your partner disagree about how to respond, and the tension is growing.
- A new baby, a Kita start or a move abroad has turned the family routine upside down.
- You feel alone with it, far from family and familiar support.
How Can Karin Help You Through the Toddler Years?
Guidance at this stage is not about a problem with your child. It is about understanding what your toddler is trying to achieve and finding responses that feel right for your family, early, before patterns become set.
Karin Bensinger is an Adlerian guide and a graduate of the Adler Institute in Israel. She works with parents, couples, individuals and families in English and Hebrew, and has lived in Berlin for about seven years. In parent guidance, parents usually come without their child. Together you look at the situations that keep repeating at home, such as tantrums, bedtime or getting out of the door, and try new responses step by step.
Sessions take place in person in Berlin or online via Zoom from anywhere. Everything starts with a short, no-obligation intro conversation on WhatsApp, to see whether working together feels like the right fit.