Why Do So Many People Feel Lonely After Moving Abroad?
When you move to a new country, you leave behind far more than an address. Friends who knew you for years, family nearby, the neighbour who said hello and the language you could joke in all disappear at the same time. Even with a partner or children by your side, this loss of a social world can feel overwhelming.
Loneliness often arrives after the first excitement fades. The practical tasks of the first months keep people busy, and only later do the quiet evenings and empty weekends begin to weigh on them. Feeling lonely at this stage is a normal reaction to a real loss, not a personal failure or a sign that you are doing something wrong.
Why Can Loneliness Hit the Accompanying Partner Hardest?
In many moves, one partner relocates for a job or study and the other comes along. The relocating partner arrives into a ready-made structure: colleagues, a schedule and a clear role. The accompanying partner, sometimes called the trailing spouse, may arrive into nothing of the kind.
For example, a partner who stays at home with young children in a new city might go days without an adult conversation in their own language. They may also feel they have no right to complain, because they agreed to the move. These feelings deserve attention. Acknowledging that the move costs each partner something different is often the first step towards supporting each other.
What Happens When You Lose Your Professional Identity?
For many adults, work is a major source of belonging and significance. It gives structure, colleagues and a sense of being capable and useful. After a move, qualifications may not be recognised, the local job market may require a new language, or a work permit may take time.
Losing this role can shake a person's sense of who they are, especially for someone who had a respected career. It helps to see this as a transition rather than a final loss, and to look for new ways to use your skills meanwhile, through learning, volunteering, part-time projects or building something new.
How Does a Language Barrier Deepen Loneliness?
Not speaking the local language well can turn everyday life into a series of small struggles. Ordering at a bakery, calling a doctor or talking with other parents at the playground can feel tiring or embarrassing. Many people start avoiding these moments, which makes them even more isolated.
In a city like Berlin, it is often possible to manage in English for a long time, which can be a relief. Still, even a little German opens doors to neighbours and local life. Approaching language learning as a way to connect, rather than a test you might fail, can make it lighter.
How Does the Adlerian Approach Understand Loneliness?
Alfred Adler saw people as deeply social beings. He believed that mental wellbeing is closely linked to social interest (Gemeinschaftsgefühl): the feeling of being connected to others and the wish to contribute to them. From this perspective, loneliness after relocation is not only about missing people. It is also about losing the places where you could contribute and feel useful.
This view also points to a way forward. Belonging tends to grow not only from being welcomed, but from giving: helping a neighbour, joining a group, sharing a skill. Small acts of contribution can rebuild a sense of significance even before deep friendships form. You can read more in what Adlerian guidance is.
What Practical Steps Help You Build Connection in a New City?
There is no quick fix for loneliness, but small, regular steps tend to add up. Larger cities such as Berlin usually offer many options, from language cafés to sports clubs and community groups for people from many countries.
- Create a weekly rhythm with at least one fixed social activity, such as a class, a team sport or a choir. Repetition is what turns strangers into acquaintances.
- Look for groups built around an interest you already have, rather than only general expat meetups.
- Find a way to contribute, for example by volunteering, helping at your child's school or offering a skill to a community group.
- Stay in touch with friends and family back home, but notice if calls replace new contacts rather than supporting you.
- Say yes to invitations, even small ones, and take the initiative to invite others.
- Be patient with yourself. Close friendships in a new country often take a long time to form.
How Does Loneliness Affect a Couple After Relocation?
When one or both partners feel lonely, the relationship can come under pressure. The partner without a network may expect the other to fill every gap, while the busier partner may feel guilty, overloaded or misunderstood. Small disagreements can grow into recurring conflicts about time, attention and whether the move was worth it.
Talking openly about what each of you is missing, and making a shared plan for building a life outside the couple as well as within it, can ease the strain. Our article on when your relationship struggles after moving abroad explores this in more depth, and couples guidance in Berlin or online can offer a place to work through it together.
When Is It Time to Seek Support?
It can be worth reaching out for guidance when loneliness lasts for many months, when it affects your relationship or your parenting, or when you simply feel stuck and do not know where to begin.
- You feel isolated most days and have little contact with anyone besides your household.
- You avoid going out or meeting people, even when opportunities arise.
- Loneliness is causing ongoing tension with your partner or affecting how you respond to your children.
- You feel you have lost your sense of who you are since the move.
How Can Karin Support You Through Loneliness After a Move?
If you experience persistent low mood, hopelessness or thoughts of harming yourself, please contact a licensed mental-health professional or your doctor without delay, and in an emergency call your local emergency services (112 in Germany). Guidance is not a substitute for that care.
Karin Bensinger is an Adlerian guide, a graduate of the Adler Institute in Israel, and has lived in Berlin for about seven years. She works with individuals, couples, parents and families in English and Hebrew. You can read more about support after relocation. Sessions take place in person in Berlin or online via Zoom from anywhere, and begin with a short, no-obligation intro conversation on WhatsApp.