Why Moving Abroad Puts Pressure on a Relationship
A move abroad changes almost everything at once: work, home, language, friendships, daily routines and, often, the balance between partners. Much of what used to hold a couple steady, such as family nearby, familiar places and old friends, is suddenly far away.
At the same time, the couple may become each other's main or only source of support. That is a lot to carry. Frustrations that were easy to absorb at home can feel much larger when there is no one else to talk to, and when both partners are tired from adjusting.
- Loss of the usual support network, including grandparents and close friends.
- Different paces of adjustment, where one partner settles quickly and the other struggles.
- Practical stress, such as bureaucracy, housing, a new language and a new school or Kita for the children.
- Less time as a couple, especially without trusted babysitters nearby.
- Changes in identity, status and daily purpose for one or both partners.
The Trailing Spouse: When One Partner Moved for the Other
In many expat couples, one partner moves for the other's job or opportunity. This partner is often called the trailing spouse or accompanying partner, terms that many people find uncomfortable because they sound passive.
The partner who followed may have left a career, a professional identity or a close community. They may carry more of the daily load, such as dealing with the children, the apartment and appointments, while feeling invisible or isolated. The partner with the job may feel guilty, pressured to make the move worthwhile, or confused about why their partner is unhappy when things seem to be going well.
Neither experience is wrong. Problems often grow when each partner sees only their own side, and the conversation turns into a competition over who has it harder.
Common Patterns in Expat Couple Problems
Every couple is unique, but some patterns come up often after a move. For example, a couple may find that arguments about small things, such as dishes or who picks up the children, are really about something larger, such as feeling unappreciated or alone.
Other common patterns include one partner withdrawing while the other pursues, disagreements about whether to stay or return, tension around money when only one partner earns, and different expectations about how much time to spend with new friends or with family on visits home. Over time, partners may start to feel more like logistics managers than a couple.
How the Adlerian Approach Looks at Relationship Strain
The Adlerian approach starts from the idea that every person wants to belong and to feel significant. A move abroad can threaten both. When one partner no longer feels useful, seen or connected, they may respond with criticism, withdrawal or control, often without realizing why.
Each partner also brings their own private logic, a set of beliefs formed early in life about what love, fairness and security mean. Under stress, these beliefs become louder. For example, one partner may believe that being loved means being taken care of, while the other believes it means being given space. Understanding these different logics can turn blame into curiosity.
Adlerian couples guidance focuses on mutual respect, encouragement and cooperation. The aim is not to decide who is right, but to help both partners feel like a team again, with shared goals and space for each person's needs.
Practical Steps for Couples After a Move Abroad
Small, consistent changes often make more difference than one big conversation. Many couples find these steps helpful.
- Acknowledge that the move was a shared life change, even if the reasons came from one partner's work.
- Take turns really listening to each other's experience of the move, without defending or correcting.
- Talk openly about the division of household and parenting tasks, and revisit it as circumstances change.
- Support each partner in building their own life in the new place, such as work, study, friendships or hobbies.
- Protect some regular time as a couple, even if it is a short walk or a quiet evening at home.
- Agree on a way to discuss big decisions, such as staying longer or moving back, calmly and without ultimatums.
- Notice and name what your partner contributes, including the invisible work.
When Children Are Part of the Picture
For couples with children, relationship tension after a move often mixes with parenting pressure. Children are adjusting too, and they are sensitive to the atmosphere between their parents. Disagreements about how to handle a child's difficulties can add to the strain.
Supporting your relationship is also a way of supporting your children. You can read more about children's adjustment in how moving abroad affects children.
When to Seek Couples Guidance
It may be a good time to seek support if the same arguments keep repeating, if one or both of you feel lonely within the relationship, if you have stopped talking about what really matters, or if decisions about the future feel impossible to discuss.
Many people search for couples counselling in these moments. Karin Bensinger offers Adlerian couples guidance: a practical, respectful space for both partners to understand what is happening and find new ways forward. Karin has lived in Berlin for about seven years and knows the challenges of building a life abroad. You can read more about couples guidance in Berlin or about Adlerian couples guidance online and in person, in English or Hebrew.
Couples guidance does not replace professional mental-health care. If you or your partner are in acute distress or crisis, or if there is any concern for safety, please contact a qualified professional or local emergency services.