Why Is Belonging So Important for Children Who Grow Up Abroad?
In the Adlerian approach, the need to belong is one of the deepest human needs. Children want to know that they have a place, that they matter and that they are capable. Most of their behaviour, helpful or difficult, can be understood as an attempt to find that place.
When a family lives abroad, belonging can feel less obvious. A child may be the only one in class with a different home language, the only one whose grandparents live on another continent or the one who never quite knows the local customs. This is not a problem in itself. Many children who grow up between cultures become curious, flexible and empathic. But they often need adults who understand that belonging is something to nurture actively, not something to take for granted.
What Are Third Culture Kids?
"Third culture kids" is a term often used for children who spend a significant part of their childhood outside their parents' culture. They take in elements of the parents' culture and of the country they live in, and build something of their own from both: a third culture that is not fully either.
Many of these children feel most at home with other children who have a similar mixed story, whatever their nationality. They may feel like visitors in their parents' home country and slightly foreign in the country they live in. Knowing that this experience has a name, and that it is shared by many others, can be a relief for both children and parents.
How Do You Answer a Child Who Asks "Where Is Home?"
Sooner or later, many children abroad ask where home is, or struggle when others ask them where they are from. There is no single right answer, and it can help to say so honestly.
Rather than giving a fixed answer, parents can explore the question with their child. For example, a parent might ask, "Where do you feel most at home?" or "What makes a place feel like home to you?" Children often find that home is less about a country and more about people, routines, smells, food and language. It is perfectly fine for a child to have more than one home, or for the answer to change over time. What matters most is that the child feels at home within the family, wherever the family lives.
How Does Speaking Two or More Languages Shape a Child's Identity?
For bilingual and multilingual children, each language can carry a different part of who they are. One may be the language of school and friends, another the language of bedtime, grandparents and feelings. Some children switch smoothly between them, while others go through phases of preferring one and rejecting another.
A child who suddenly refuses to speak the home language is usually not rejecting the family. More often, they want to fit in with peers. Treating this as a phase rather than a battle tends to keep the door open. The practical side of language and school after a move is covered in our article on how moving abroad affects children; here, the key point is that both languages can be part of a child's identity, and neither needs to compete with the other.
How Can You Keep Your Heritage Culture Alive Without Forcing It?
Parents often want to pass on their language, holidays and traditions, and fear losing them in the new country. The challenge is to make heritage feel like a gift rather than an obligation. When culture becomes a test or a source of conflict, children often pull away from it.
- Connect heritage to warmth and enjoyment: food, music, stories, games and celebrations.
- Invite rather than insist. A child who chooses to join a holiday ritual will carry it further than one who is made to.
- Let children bring the two cultures together, for example by inviting friends to a family celebration or cooking a dish from each country.
- Keep regular, relaxed contact with relatives, so the culture is tied to people the child loves.
- Accept that your child's version of the culture may differ from yours. That is part of how culture lives on abroad.
How Does Contribution Help Children Feel They Belong?
Adler saw contribution as one of the surest roads to belonging. He called the feeling of connection to others and the wish to contribute to them social interest (Gemeinschaftsgefühl). Children who feel useful feel they have a place. This applies at home and in the wider community.
- At home: give children real responsibilities, not only chores, such as planning a family meal or helping a younger sibling settle in.
- In family meetings: ask for their ideas about family plans and problems, and act on some of them.
- At school or Kita: encourage small ways of helping, such as showing a new child around.
- In the neighbourhood: join activities where children can take part and help, such as sports clubs, music groups or community events.
- Across cultures: let children be the bridge, for example by teaching a friend a word in the home language.
What Changes When Teenagers Search for Belonging Abroad?
In adolescence, the question of belonging becomes more intense. Teenagers are working out who they are, and peers become central. A teenager living abroad may feel caught between parents' expectations, local friends and an online world connected to the home country.
Teenagers usually respond better to curiosity than to rules about identity. Asking how they see themselves, listening without correcting and respecting their choices about language and friendships keeps the relationship strong. Parents can stay firm about family values while accepting that their teenager is building an identity of their own, which may include more than one culture.
What Do Children Learn From How Parents Belong?
Children learn about belonging less from what parents say and more from how parents live. A parent who is curious about the new country, makes friends, tries the language and still enjoys their own heritage shows that it is possible to belong in more than one place.
This does not mean parents need to feel settled all the time. It is honest and helpful to share, in age-appropriate ways, that adjusting is hard for adults too. What children gain is a model of handling difficulty with courage and connection. If you as parents are struggling to find your own place, relocation support or family guidance can help the whole household.
How Can Karin Support Your Family With Belonging Abroad?
Karin Bensinger is an Adlerian guide, a graduate of the Adler Institute in Israel, and has lived in Berlin for about seven years. She works with parents, couples, individuals and families in English and Hebrew, including international and Israeli families after relocation.
Sessions take place in person in Berlin or online via Zoom from anywhere, which suits families living in other cities and countries too. You can read more about parent guidance in Berlin. Everything begins with a short, no-obligation intro conversation on WhatsApp, to see whether working together feels right.